No on BBC

Ever watch the adverts on the TV? If you'r the kind sees the adverts as a chance ti set the tea maskin, A can tell ye ye'r missin something. Ay, maist o them's a waste o airspace that naebody wad thole an they warna peyin for the programme ye'r watchin, but the ar the ither kind, the rarer kind, the kind that tells a perfit wee story. The ceenematic neebor o flash feection.

Caur adverts is no bad at this, whan it's no the mair uizual kind wi a caur stourin aboot kintra roads tryin ti leuk guid. Ae advert haed this cheil parkin abeich this bayou, an a wifie sittin at her mantie-wark on a verandah. While the cheil's awa oot on his pirogue or whatever, here dis aa thir bonny butterflees no come doun an settle aa ower the caur. The cheil comes back an starts the motor, but the engine's fair quiet an the butterflees disna steir. Syne the wifie lats faa a preen... it draps tiwards the fluir o the verandah in slaw motion... an the meenit it hits the brods, aa the butterflees skaills aff o the caur an awa inti the lift. Whatna leear maun a wrate that ane! But a guid bit fantasy feection for aa that, kin o like Snorri's Saga for the pure affront o its hyperbole.

Some o thae caur adverts can be grand wee character screives. The'r ane whaur ye see this wee quine gittin inti a car an adjustin the saet an the steerin wheel an aathing. What a wark it is for her ti lat the haunbrake doun a bittie! Syne whan she's back fae her hurl an awa ben the hoose, oot comes her man, a muckle loun that haes ti stap hissel intae the saet an adjust aathing richt back again. No juist a character sketch, that ane, but a never-aa circular story.

The'r anither ane wi a couple gittin theirsels buskit for ti be awa oot for the nicht, an hersel's sayin, "A'll drive the nicht, you hae a wee drink til yersel." "Na, hen," says he, "A dinna mind drivin." "You drave the last time," says she, "ye'r entitled ti enjoy yersel a bittie." An sae it gaes on. It's awfu nice the couple no bein selly an offerin ti drive for ane anither, but efter a bit ye start ti wonder what wey they'r gittin theirsels in sic a tirrivee ower it. Syne wi a fair skeely application o Aristotlean inversion ye see the caur staunin ootby an jalouze hou it's a caur advert an the hale ettle o the argle-bargle in the hoose gaes tapsowerteerie.

The'r a hale genre o adverts like this whaur ye dinna ken what they'r sellin till the last saicont, an the'r a faur rarer genre whaur they try an tell ye their product's nae guid. The'r ae advert combines the twa gey weel.

What we hae is this braw lassie bringin her laddie hame ae nicht. It's a braw hoose an a muckle bleezin ingl. "Div tak a sate," says she, awfu polite, an he sits doun on the sofae. Syne she's awa ben the scullery, ti set the tea maskin, ye micht think, an the leuk on the laddie's face, ye can see he disna credit this is aa happenin til him. She wins back an sits doun an as suin's they start kissin, his face gaes soor. He puls awa an sits tryin ti dicht the awfu taste aff o his tongue wi his fingers. Syne we see the jar o Marmite in the scullery, its lid ajee. Vegemite's nae better, A hear.

This is no ti say aa the best adverts haes ti tell a story. The maist successfu insurance advert o aa time wis based on a eemage. We see this quine gittin hersel buskit aa black, syne she flings her mantle ower her shouthers an's awa oot, an that's that. But the name recogneetion o Scottish Weidaes lowpit fae 30% ti 70% afore ye could say Debbie Moore, an it juist shaws what a bit cuit o quine can dae, even in this day an age. What wis't got me, tho, wis the kennin wee smirk on her face, that gart ye wonder if she haedna murthert her man, seein's he haed guid insurance an aa that. Aiblins the'r a story in thare efter aa.

© Sandy Fleemin 2003